Friday, 3 April 2009


If someone had told me many many years ago when I was in the midst of the chaos of dealing with abuse memories,that i would heal, i would not realy have believed them. But today I can see that its true. I have grown a lot. I see where my scars are but also how much has healed over. Sometimes it all seems just like a distant memory that happened to someone else. Another me.Im so glad I had the courage to confront it. It wasnt easy. Somedays it still isnt. But its not mindblowing anymore.If something comes up now I just look at it and say, do I need to look at this? Sometimes I dont I just let it melt.If I have a bad day I honour that and try to nurture myself.It is possible to heal so if you are reading this and just beginning your journey im at the other end of the tunnel and there is definetly light.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

NSPCC - Help and advice - What is child abuse- Sexual abuse

NSPCC - Help and advice - What is child abuse- Sexual abuse


Healing is not a linear process.It has its ups and downs.When you first start to heal it can be easy to feel you have finally got there. But life is not like that. You never actually get there. You just arent so wounded.What I will say is that you become more real. More authentic.A person who is healing from abuse is honestly working on themselves.In society its easy to pretend that we are all happy.So we try to live up to it. Nothing lasts neither sadness or happiness.Your healing process is a gift to mankind and society in general.When I stopped having flashbacks to childhood events two things happened. First I sort of missed it it had become facinating. Secondly I was relieved that no longer would I have to keep going back. Eventually the door of my memories of childhood sexual abuse closed.Its as if it no longer is there in form. I dont need to go back.My healing now is ona more subtle level. I have to deal with the way the abuse affected me in the way I deal within the world.I cant believe how well I did looking back, as my life has been successful in a lot of ways.I am also healing on a more spiritual level.I am healing because I was also Ritualy Abused. But thats another story and one that I dont care to ever talk about openly.I hope that you get something from my posts. Thats why Im writing them. So that you who are reading may discover the reason why you feel so wrong, sad, bad, unhappy, ill, mad,neurotic..Its called post traumatic distress.I know because I had it and until I started my journey of healing I thought it was normal.
I am about to go on an 8 month closed retreat so will not be posting again until December. Feel free to leave any comments and I will answer them on my return.

Sunday, 15 March 2009


You cant do this alone. You need support. Often those who have been sexually abused isolate. The family of origin may have kept them apart from others.There are many support groups now.
There were hardly any groups when it happened to me. We had to meet in secret as this was a taboo subject. Even reading material was ordered in secret.Thats the problem with abuse the secrecy.The first contact with anyone will be difficult but once done the healing will start.
Its a very long time ago since all this happened to me. The group I joined were wonderful. But I spent the first few weeks denying that I needed to be there. They were all ill and I wasnt. Then one day I let go and realised I was them. Their stories were mine.I began to tell my story to others and then to myself.You may think your story is totaly shocking and no one will want to hear.Stick to telling your story to those who are on a healing path from abuse. Choose carefuly who you tell so that you get support in the early vulnerable years.You may want to tell everyone now that the cats out of the bag.If you are going to confront an abuser or you are angry dont react or act out too soon.
If all this makes sense to you and you need help.
Remember you are not alone.

Saturday, 14 March 2009

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse: Ellen Bass, Laura Davis: Books

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse: Ellen Bass, Laura Davis: Books

A unique book on healing from sexual abuse. It saved my life and made me realise I was not alone or mad.


BOOM!!You are teleported into another dimension. Or so it seems. You go back to your childhood events as if it were now. It can happen anywhere. When it happens its scary. When you get beyond scary it becomes fascinating. Its like searching a family tree you knew nothing about. My mother asked me a question. In reply I told her that someone in the family had been abusing me. But it didnt just stop there, I had let the tiger loose and it wasnt going back into the cage.I started to remember other abuses much worse. In the end I couldnt find a person who had not abused me. Including my mother!!! Peoples reaction to sexual abuse by a mother is very strong. You will have a reaction to it while you read this.

Thursday, 12 March 2009 Spiritual Emergency (New Consciousness Reader): Stanislav Grof: Books Spiritual Emergency (New Consciousness Reader): Stanislav Grof: Books

A book which describes what spiritual emergence is.Making sense of what can only be described as a feeling of decent into madness.On the contrary it tells how emerging memories of childhood abuse are in fact a spiritual emergence.